Looking Back

Dear Little One,

We realize that we have let the blog posts (letters) lapse due in part to a busy schedule and having a 13 month old. Mommy hase been working on gathering different pictures from the first year of your little brother, Callan's life. However on here we will start with the ones taken starting this year. There are so many fun pictures of your brother as he has entered the stage of toddler.

Callan enjoys looking out the window, and if Mommy lifts him up and helps him, he especially enjoys standing on the window seat and looking out at the yard. When Daddy would be out clearing the walks or working in the yard, Callan always makes sure Mommy lifts him up so he can see and wave to Daddy.

Another thing Callan loves is books. This year he is asking for books for his birthday because he loves to read them. We often go to the library for Discovery Time and listen to the stories. If Mommy gets Callan ready fast enough, she is usually there early enough to read a book to him.

Since your little brother has discovered that he can stand up after crawling to where he wants to play, he started opening doors and drawers. It doesn't matter whose house we are at, Callan can be found exploring the cupboards in the kitchen and bathrooms. And, if we let him, Callan will gladly reorganize any of these spaces.

Your little brother was spoiled at Christmas last year. He got a Billy Beat blocks builder along with a John Deere dump truck. Both sets came with blocks. His favorite thing to do each morning and afternoon is to play with these toys and explore whatever Mommy or Daddy build for him. In fact, lately he has started to take apart everything they build and try to put the pieces together himself!

Now, as we all know, when you're a little kid like Callan, it means you have to go shopping a lot with Mommy and Daddy. Sometimes it gets boring having to go through the clothes section or heading over to pick up some more diapers. But lately, little Callan is owning the cart and trying to add anything he can to the shopping experience. We're just glad to have him along for company!

Callan especially loves the stairs. We have to block them off so he doesn't take off and climb them, but whenever he gets the chance, like what happens every morning when he is allowed to climb up stairs after breakfast, Callan takes off and climbs the steps as fast as he can. He likes to stop now and then to look back to make sure you see how well he is doing. If he has the time, he may even grin at you through the bannister.

Your little brother loves to help with chores. He likes to take laundry out of the dryer, even if it's not dry yet. But his favorite thing is to open and close the dryer door and watch as the light turns on.

Since Callan loves doors so much, he often ends up playing a "peek-a-boo" game with Mommy while she is folding laundry. He gets a kick out the game for hours on end, which is nice because it means that Mommy can usually get a few things done while Callan plays. Though if he sees a pile of laundry, Callan does tend to burrow into it and sart sorting.

Callan loves kids. He's kind of fun that way and in both these pictures he and his cousin Sophie explore baskets full of vegtables. It's funny to watch them because Callan usually tries to eat something and Sophie (who is 13 months older) just watches him and usually laughs. She is full of all sorts of mischief and so she usually tries to get him to walk with her. Whenever they see each other she showers him with kisses and hugs. Callan kissed her hand the other day and at first Sophie kept saying "Callan ate my hand" but after we explained that baby kisses are different and that he was trying to kiss her she proudly walked around telling everyone that "Callan kiss my hand!" Though these pictures are of him and Sophie, Callan loves all his cousins. He especially loves Ellie (who is 6 months younger) and tries to steal her frog binky. They have held hands and both seem to have a lot of noise to make when they are together. His youngest cousin Ryker is also one of Callan's pals. Ryker is 3 months old and has started to smile a lot. Callan has gotten a little more bold in going over to Ryker and making sure to touch Ryker and try to talk to him in baby babble.

Callan also loves to laugh. He's really fun and usually will grab any bare toes he sees and start to giggle and try to get you to scream. His sense of humor doesn't stop there.

Your little brother loves pillows and pillow pets. He will roll over them and giggle, especially when he's just woken up from a nap.

For his birthday, Callan got a set of PVC pipe and fitting as a building kit. He loves to put the pieces in his mouth and make noises through the pipe like his Daddy and Mommy have done. He also enjoys playing with whatever new creation they build for him.

As you can see, your brother has grown to be pretty tall. He started out as short as the monkey on the wall behind him (from the monkeys head to his toes is about how tall Callan was when he was born). Now he can reach up high and get into things. He's even taller than about 90% of the kids his age and plenty of kids older than him. 

Callan has a heart full of love. He is quick to smile and laugh with you, though he is often pretty shy.

Your Grandpa Kent took Callan out for a ride on the 4-wheeler and Callan really enjoyed himself. A couple days later, Daddy also took him out for a ride and Callan was so relaxed he almost fell asleep. He is a curious little guy and loves to be a part of the action.

Your little brother is patriotic in the sense that he likes the American flag and especially likes the holidays when he gets to spend more time with Daddy. As he grows, he will learn all about the freedoms of being a citizen of the United States of America and will be ready to do his part as a scout to help take care of this beautiful world we live in.

As we said before, your little brother loves to read and any book that is sturdy enough for him to hold himself usually gets looked at for quite a while at the library. He has learned to love stories, just like Mommy.

Recently we have watched as your little brother takes his first steps, though he still likes to hold onto something for balance. Two teeth have come in and we anticipate one or two more in the next few weeks as he is starting to teeth a little again.

No matter how big he grows, he will always be your little brother. Whenever we take him to the Cemetery, he plays with you, Corban. He is learning about you and we can tell he knows that you are a part of our family. So please continue to watch over him and us, Corban.

We love you and miss you.

A Year in Review - Curious Callan

Dear Corban,

Your little brother, Callan is growing and progressing. We’ve been delightfully busy keeping up with him. He came to us from heaven with a natural strength physically paired with a determined curiosity. This means that our Curious Callan has gotten into his fair share of mischief.

To chart his growth, which often is in the upper 80s or mid 90s percentile, I’ve dutifully taken a photo every month on the 4^th to help show just how fast he has gone from his 9lbs and 21” and grown to be over 20lbs and somewhere close to almost 30” tall. If he keeps with this trend, we shall have a giant on our hands in a couple years. Here are a few of those images, to help show some of that growing up we’ve witnessed.

Callan is our second miracle. At times we tearfully imagine what it would be like to watch you, Corban as you would take Callan by the hand and together you’d explore the world. Callan get’s really excited and breathes heavily in anticipation of any new toy and attempt to cross the room or sneak around barriers to go upstairs, so we sometimes wonder how you’d show your excitement, Corban. It seems Callan is often smiling off into the distance, as if he is still able to see you as you watch over our family. We know that the veil between this life and heaven is often thin for little ones, so we know that Callan is blessed with the ability to see and interact with you. Sometimes we find ourselves jealous for that connection as well, so that we could see you and feel you close by during the harder moments.

Christmas was especially emotional as we realized that this would have been your third Christmas, Corban. You’d be the one practically jumping out of your PJs to get to the things you knew Santa and your parents had waiting under the tree. Instead, we did our best to encourage 10 ½ month old Callan not to open those presents until Christmas morning. And come Christmas morning, we woke him with the sound of jingling bells so that he could feel a measure of excitement and anticipation as we carried him downstairs to the tree. Don’t worry, Corban, Callan had the present-opening down to a science by the time Christmas finally came. We’re sure you helped encourage him in his many efforts to practice opening gifts in the days and weeks leading up to that time! That’s one example of how we know you have a sense of humor, Corban.

Our Christmas Card

With this new year in our view and many unknowns ahead, we are so grateful to our Heavenly Father for all that He has given us. Our lives have been filled with joys and bounties not explainable or attributable to things of this earth. We know He is there keeping close watch. We also feel you near, Corban, during the moments when our hearts are saddened and our spirits are dampened by the various low moments in our lives. We love you, son. We hope you feel that love as you watch us interact with your little brother. We long for the day when we can hold you and play with you just as we do with Callan. We’re so grateful for Jesus, His atonement and resurrection that allow us the hope and assurance that we will see you again. So, until that time when we are reunited again, know that we cherish your memory forever in our hearts.

We love you, Corban. We will never forget you.

Love, Dad and Mom (and Callan).

PS Below are a handful of pictures we've taken of Callan throughout the year. Enjoy!

 

The Meaning of Mother - His First Month

Dear Friends and Family,

A precious few times in my life I’ve stared at a clock on the wall and counted down the minutes, holding my breath and wondering what the next few hours were going to be like. I’m not talking about the everyday anticipation; I’m talking about the scary big moments when you know that life as you know it is about to change forever.

As many of you know, one of those moments occurred in September of 2011 when I tearfully faced the reality of giving birth to my son, Corban and losing him that same day. A mother. That’s what I’d become on that day. But I also became the mother to an angel, meaning I’d retired early, been laid off, sent home early.... They have books, blogs, and even TV shows about motherhood, parenting, pregnancy… but nothing was there to prepare me for that moment when God handed me something I didn’t think I could ever swallow or stomach. Nothing except my testimony and the things I’d taught as a missionary. I did a lot of praying and weeping and more praying. I also did a lot of other things.

But this post isn’t about Corban. Well it is and it isn’t.

What I’m trying to say is that I found myself in a hospital room in Labor and Delivery watching a clock again, my heart pounding at the impending delivery of my second child. Giving birth to Corban had prepared me for some things, a year and 5 months of grief hadn’t prepared me for anything beyond about 4:30pm on February 4 of this year. I was going to have a baby. We had his name picked out, we had a nursery packed full of clothes, toys, and stacked to the ceiling zillion diapers that had only increased in size when we found out we were expecting again. Now, as to what we were expecting well, that was a whole different thing altogether.

I mean, I was already a mother. But I had no idea, really, what it was going to be like to have a living, breathing baby in my arms in just a matter of moments.

It actually was about 2 hours later that my living, breathing son, Callan, was placed in my arms. 

[For the sake of not scaring any potential c-section patients and causing the rating of this blog to be raised above PG, I will simply say that I had a c-section, my doctor was amazing and that really, it was a lot better once it was over.]

So, skipping ahead, there I was in the hospital room. Many of the adoring grandparents, aunts and uncles had actually already seen my baby for longer than I got to see him. [Note to future c-section moms: they show you the baby and then they whisk him/her away because your c-section is going to take a while and he/she will catch up to you once the tests and usual stuff is over with. This hiccup of a chance to meet your baby is brief and if you were to blink, you’d have missed half of it.]

Yes, I was a little impatient at that point, but when they opened the door all sounds in the room faded; in fact I had tunnel vision. The nurse lifted little Callan right to me. It was a good thing too; I was about ready to defy science and medicine and get up and grab him. He was in my arms, all soft, cozy and perfect. It was just him and me. And tears too, but I don’t remember when they started.

Callan Everett Kent is 2 hours old. Feb 4, 2013

I held him, wept, kissed him and then let everyone else have a moment or two. I was about ready to leap from my bed and snag him back when the nurse came in, rescuing us all with needing to check on me and the baby. Plus the little guy was hungry and would be needing food. Finally, something that I could do and not have to agonizingly watch and wait as others acted.

So the room emptied. A few things were tested and I held him and tried to feed him. He was tired. Heck, who’s to blame him? He’d just been through quite the ordeal.

Then his doctor arrived. He had tests he needed to do. Could he take my little perfect guy and do them? I said yes. I wanted to say no. But I said yes and smiled and cooed at Callan to let him know it was okay.

And then they took him. They said it would only be an hour. 

It wasn’t.

They moved me out of the recovery room to the room we'd be sharing as a family. It had been an hour and a half and still, Callan wasn't brought to me. I started to itch with nervousness. It felt like someone was pulling on my heart. 

His doctor came and visited me. He didn’t bring Callan with him like he’d promised. No, Callan was going to be staying in the NICU for a couple hours. They had to give him an IV so Callan was admitted to the NICU. 

Again, I was watching a clock and tearfully waiting. I chewed my lips with nervousness. I tried to smile and be happy, but my heart was aching. I wanted to hold my Callan. 

Finally, I got a phone call telling me that Callan was going to stay the night in the NICU. My heart sank.

It was starting to remind me of that day a year and five months earlier. Sure, the doctors were telling me things looked good and not to worry, just that Callan had a few struggles. But I began to wonder. Was God going to take Callan back too? Was all this aching just his way of preparing me for when He'd call little Callan back to heaven?

Callan is 2 days old in the NICU still.

When you are in the hospital and faced with all the emotions of giving birth and then the NICU, you have to be positive. At least, if you are me, then you have to be positive. So I was. I tried to tuck in my lower lip, biting it tight to keep it from quivering. Everything was going to be okay. It had to be. If only I could my heart believe it.

Now, ultimately, it was, but not after 5 and a half days of watching the clock and waiting.

Then we got to take him home!

Home. What a word!

But it wasn’t easy as pie. Nope, not even close.

You see, Callan almost didn’t come home with us as planned that evening. His oxygen levels started to drop the night before and then, when they did the car seat test, the really dipped low. As the guy came to Callan up with an oxygen bottle, Callan’s levels dropped really low. So they decided to send him home with a meter too.

Anyone who has ever experienced this will tell you that an oximeter will drive you completely mad. Well, we didn’t know this. We were naïve to the woes of such things. We had stupidly thought it would give us peace of mind and comfort. Boy were we in for a rude awakening!

The meter kept beeping all the way home which is its way of telling us Callan’s levels were creeping lower and lower. I was crying and praying and trying to comfort Callan. Lifting his chin and talking to him, one eye on him and the other on the meter. His levels dropped so low that I had to bend over (remember, I’d had a c-section) and try to twist the knob to increase the oxygen flow. I was blinded with tears, but he was getting more oxygen. I slowly sat back up and calmed myself.

Then the machine started to beep again.

As we pulled into our garage, I was full on crying. I was a bad mother. No, I was a downright awful, horrid, terrible wretch of an excuse of a mother!

Tyler got Callan, his oxygen and I grabbed the meter and we rushed upstairs to get him out of his car seat. It was the scariest thing of our lives. We were failing miserably. I was so afraid. I just knew we were going to lose him.

Finally, with Callan in my arms the meter stopped beeping. I stopped crying and could breathe again, although I couldn’t really swallow the fear yet.

Day 2 being home.

We had a lot of moments like that afterwards, but we learned to understand the sensitivity of the meter and also, over the next couple weeks, Callan’s lungs grew stronger. 

He smiled a lot in his sleep.

He also smiles if you talk to him when he's awake.

Just over two weeks after coming home from the NICU, Callan was off oxygen. 

Callan watches me, wondering what I'm doing!

Callan plays, pulling one of his cute faces!

Callan is 20 days old!

When he was three and a half weeks old, he was finally able to go off the meter.

I’ve decided I’m not a “downright awful, horrid, terrible wretch of an excuse of a mother” like I’d thought. No, I’m a mother. And mothers sometimes feel like they are downright awful, horrid and terrible at being a mother.

Now, for the record, I love being a mother (even if I’m a downright awful, horrid, terrible wretch of an excuse of one). Maybe Callan will forgive me my shortcomings and love me anyway.

Callan smiles at his Mama.

I sure love being his mother! And I’ve learned not to watch the clock. I watch him instead and in so doing, my heart melts and I can’t help but be caught under his spell.

Callan - 1 month and 1 day old

I love being his mother!